How could anything feel so wonderful and so miserable at the same time? And I know what it looks like. That will leave me on permanent probation or tell me to shut up until I lay bare every year of dissociation and dysmorphia and dysphoria? My professor rolls her eyes. They are articulate and intelligent women. Wow, I wrote this piece anonymously and privately and did not intend for anyone else to actually read it. Laura Jane Grace comes out. I slip the elastic straps over my shoulders, then the tights along my legs.
We are not proud to be boys, but we have fun with each other. Most of me wants them nowhere near my books or anything else of mine. Agender and nonbinary identities are explored and categorized on tumblr. I know my parents will chastise me and correct me. I admire his focus. I go sit in bars and drink alone. It makes it awfully easy to insulate the largely cis- female perspective on what males are. I started to wear those and later on moved to unisex tees. I am seventeen years old. The documentary explains about vaginoplasty. I am told that I could not understand or experience this. I do not know that in the next decade there will be waged culture wars over what is the best thing to call me — nor that they will happen on this very internet, which is just where I go to print out pictures of girls that my parents conveniently assume I have crushes on. But here is the truth: Man does not mean what you think it means. Maybe there will be a chair and a switch someday. Unfortunately, there are no therapists in the area I live, so I am counting on you ladies to help me out. I am eighteen years old. How incompetent they are emotionally. She says I am Not-All-Men-ing. They are articulate and intelligent women. We steal condoms from the convenience store. Now—here are the complicated reasons, most of which I only realized while writing the easy ones: I feel like I am burning the history of the naked body that sits on the floor of my shower. I am twenty-three years old. Some of these are my people.
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